Rawness

I seem to have lost my ability to expound upon a collection of thoughts in my brain enough to form a decent draft, let alone a finished, coherent post.

I recently made the above statement to K.

Upon further thought though, I believe that I have not suddenly lost my ability to write; can one really unlearn a skill that fundamental without major brain trauma? What did happen, I think, was that I became afraid to write. I’ve come to fear rawness. Being raw is not an easy thing, but I had become more comfortable with regularly pushing myself to be such.

Then I hit one of the inevitable lapses of recovery (defining a lapse as a period where some disordered behaviors resurfaced). I am uncomfortable with escalating emotions in others though—it does not feel safe to me because highly emotional people are often rash and unpredictable people, and unpredictable does not sit well with me. Because of this fear of mine, I have a difficult time admitting to taking any steps back for fear of sending someone into a panic. I feel a great pressure to ensure that every step I take is a step forward, but we are all bound to take steps backwards at times. Life is a cha-cha: two steps forward, one step back.

I figure that I was about due for a step back in my dance anyhow before I could continue moving forward. I’m not entirely sure where forward is taking me, and I’ll admit that I am terrified of what the months ahead will hold. I’ll be starting college applications soon; K has reached the homestretch of her pregnancy; senior year will be kicking into gear; and life will keep moving on. I’ve always loved Robert Frost’s quote: “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on,” and I’ve always said that keeping up with it is the tough part.

The next few months, and the next year in general, are going to see a lot of changes in my life. I’m hitting a time that holds a lot of excitement, but also a lot of uncertainty. It is both exhilarating and paralyzing. All I can do though is trust that the Good Lord is going to get me where He needs me, and that He’s going to give me the strength I need to make it through each day.

It’s funny how every time I think I’m starting to get good at this whole deal called life, the rules are changed and everything gets shaken up. It can be exhausting at times, but I also know that I am doing so much growing at the moment, and that’s an amazing thing. The Potter is at work, and He will keep on molding until He—not I—is satisfied with the results.

It’s good to be moving in the right direction for now, and it is good to be back.