When We Wander

NEDA Week 2013— I watched silently as the week went by, still clinging onto an eating disorder as my secret.

NEDA week 2014— I shared my story and started speaking very openly for the first time about my history with an eating disorder.

NEDA week 2015— I said “I made it.”

NEDA week 2016— I’m not so sure that that was the right way to put it.

Last year, I came to the conclusion that I had recovered. I had made it to freedom. I would never have disordered thoughts again. Life would be perfect.

I wanted to believe that I could put it all behind me, and I still do believe that you can do just that to a certain extent. This summer was the freest I’d been in two and a half years. It makes sense that summer was “easier” in a sense, just because there wasn’t the stress of school on me. We went on an amazing road trip, I was soaking up my family and furry boys before leaving for college in the fall, and I was spending lots of time with my mom and aunt shopping and doing DIY things for my dorm room. It was blissful.

I came to college in the fall, and in that transition, I stopped all treatment— no more sessions with my therapist, no more appointments with my dietitian. I have no regrets in making that decision. I went into the fall semester expecting hardship. College is a season of change, and change usually means stress/anxiety in my world. I had to learn how to be my own person, completely manage my own time, learn the ins and outs of college academics, be responsible for myself, and learn how to live in community with lots of different people. It’s a lot all at once, and I had to remain aware of when old thought patterns started to creep back in. I knew all of this coming into the fall semester.

And there were some moments of struggle. There were some moments when sliding backwards was tempting because it seemed easiest. That is, of course, a lie, but it felt that way. Still, the fall semester was overall a fabulous experience. I like to think that I’ve grown since coming to college, and I know I’ve learned more about myself. I had to hold myself accountable to recovery, be completely responsible for my health, and I did it. College has been a great experience not only in learning how to be more independent in life, but also in how to be independent and still responsible with my mental health.

I think I got comfortable coming into the spring semester though. And that comfort combined with instability in several areas of my life created a slippery slope. And I wasn’t proactive. And I slipped. But even through this experience, I’m learning. I’m learning more about myself. I’m learning more about the nature of eating disorders. I’m learning more about the very imperfect process of recovery. I’m learning that it might be a more on-going thing than I thought a year ago. I’m discovering that I might have to remain more aware than I might like of my anxieties and little triggers that can add up to a slippery slope. I’m learning that there’s a fine line between putting the things of the past in the past while still being watchful that they don’t try to find their way back into the present.

I’m also learning about grace. I mean, I didn’t create a blog with the URL Learning to Love Imperfection for no reason. That statement has significance to me. I’m never going to be perfect, and that’s okay. That has to be okay. Striving for perfection will kill a person, emotionally if not physically. So I’m imperfect. And I have made mistakes, and do make mistakes, and will continue making mistakes for the rest of my days on earth. The beautiful thing is that God loves me in my brokenness. And I should too.

I’m also smarter than I was when I first set out on the journey to health and well-being. I have so many tools at my disposal and know how to use them. I know what trips me up and what I need to watch myself for. It’s just a matter of remembering to do it. I just have to remember at some small cognitive-level that as normal as I am, I’m susceptible to disordered eating habits and that’s just a fact of my life now. But it isn’t the defining fact and does not have to rule my life anymore than I let it.

The Lord never fails to have another lesson in mind for me just when I think I’ve got the hang of things. Honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like the challenge and don’t do well just treading water with no where to go. So I’ll keep swimming as long as the Lord is leading the way. And I’ll keep saying “I made it.” I’ll just redefine that statement:

I don’t see recovery as a place you reach and stay at for the rest of your life, like a final destination kind of thing.

My view has shifted to seeing recovery as more of an on-going process that is always teaching us new things about ourselves, others, and our world. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with being dynamic and always growing and learning and being molded.

Moses led the Israelites around the desert for forty years to die just before they got to take the Promise Land. He never reached the end goal, but I certainly wouldn’t say all of his life was lived in vain. I’m starting to think recovery (heck, life in general) is a lot like that. We’ll wander and wander and we may or may not ever enter the promised land, and that’s okay. Sometimes its not about the end goal, but the journey to get there instead. The wandering is that grey area where living and loving and learning happen. We need the wandering.

So as eating disorder awareness week comes to a close, I’m reflecting on my path thus far and I’m proud. I’m not ashamed or upset about the fact that I developed an eating disorder. It’s led me to so much good, including the relationship that introduced me to the college campus I now call home. I’m thankful for everything I’ve learned about myself and life because of what really is a dreadful disease at the core. I’m thankful for the awareness this week brings to the subject, and for the hope and happy-endings circulated so widely in this time. I’m thankful that I’m not done learning and growing, and I’m thankful that there truly is life after an eating disorder.

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To read my story from two years ago: click here

To read my update from last year: click here

For more information and resources on eating disorders, visit NEDA’s website.

Cover Photo Creds: Amberlyn Fagala

And as always, feel free to contact me or drop me a comment with any questions!

3 Minutes Can Save a Life, a Response

*NEDA = the National Eating Disorders Association*

NEDAwareness Week 2016 is upon us, and this year’s theme is “3 minutes can save a life. Get screened. Get help. Get healthy.”

At first glance, I’m not sure how I feel about this notion. My hesitation comes in with the idea that a simple screening is enough to fix the problem. It seems too simple for such complex and confusing disorders. Screenings are great. I’m not saying we should stop encouraging people to get screened. But, I worry that some of the sickest people are in such denial over their state that a simple three minutes screening isn’t going to prompt them to action. They might not even get a result saying they could have an eating disorder (ED) because of such strong denial.

I’m not sure how I feel about reducing eating disorders to a three minute questionnaire that tells us “you’re good,” or “you might have a problem, you should get help for that.” It doesn’t seem right to me to think simple questionnaires are going to solve this problem. It takes so much more.

Let me back up though.

NEDA is a wonderful organization that does so much work advocating for research and awareness for what is becoming an increasingly prevalent issue in our society— eating disorders. NEDAwareness Week is this amazing thing that happens during the last week of February (mental health awareness month) every year and always sheds so much light on an issue that we as a society like to ignore because it’s easier that way. So many people would like to continue making their jokes about being “anorexic for a week” or “catching bulimia for a day” or being so glad they had the “strength to not get binge eating disorder.” Many people would rather support diet-culture and off-handedly use eating disorders as adjectives and “contagious” illnesses than take the time to learn the reality and find new jokes and jabs.

All of that goes to say, my hesitance about the theme does not stem from any negative views towards the organization that came up with said theme. My resistance comes in with the possibility that people will take this theme the wrong way.

I’m not so sure than three minutes really can save a life. I think that three minutes can play a vital role in saving a life though. I think that early intervention is important. I think screenings are helpful. I think this theme is still relevant and important. I think it encourages people to jump in and do something instead of being overwhelmed by where to start. I think it gives people that place to start.

I just fear that it doesn’t give them a place to go beyond that. So you take a screening and might have an eating disorder, or you convince a friend you’re worried about to take a screening and he/she might have a problem. Okay. What next? Those three minutes can help start a conversation, but so much more goes into a lasting recovery. Support from friends and family, proper treatment, and a lot of hard work and time.

I suppose that what I’m trying to say here is that three minutes can help, but it’s really what comes after those three minutes that saves a life. Maybe that’s nit-picky and hyper-critical, but I guess that’s what you get with detail-oriented people like myself.

So get screened, by all means. It’s free, quick, convenient, and so simple. It’s a great first step. Even if you don’t have an eating disorder, just going through the questions might help give insight into the thought patterns and processes of someone who does have an ED. Don’t stop there though. If you’re struggling, actually take the next step and reach out. Or if you’re concerned about someone, take the next step and reach out to them. Start that conversation, start connecting, start catching on, because it’s really the actions that come after those three minutes that are going to save a life.

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For more information and resources, visit: NEDA’s Website

To get screened: click here

For advice about supporting someone with an eating disorder: check out this video

For ideas about how to spread awareness this week: check out this article

And as always: feel free to ask me questions and/or come talk to me!

The Reality of an Eating Disorder

Written for NEDA week last year, but still so relevant and applicable this year that I had to bring it back.

Jordan Kelly

The reality is… you don’t necessarily have to clearly look underweight in order to be suffering from an eating disorder. There is not a typical mold or stereotype for what an eating disorder looks like.

The reality is… [to have an eating disorder] doesn’t mean that you’re shallow or just care about looks.

The reality is… you can’t just “snap out of it.” It is NOT a phase. Eating disorders are the deadliest of mental illnesses. I have found myself struggling a lot within my recovery, and my parents can’t understand that it is normal to struggle. Even after treatment or hospitalization, we will still go through tremendous amounts of hardships.

The reality is… eating disorders are NOT DEFINED by the amount that someone is underweight. In fact, weight often has LITTLE to do with severity of disordered thoughts. Also… the moment you say “eating disorder,” people immediately assume “anorexia”…

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Writing Through Recovery

Just a week or two ago, I posted on my Instagram account asking my followers to take part in a survey I created inquiring about the types of writing they have used in their own recoveries and what they find the most helpful, and wow! They blew me away with how responsive they were to that post and how many of them took the time to take the survey. (Big thank you to any Insta followers who are reading this.) This survey was just a piece of the research I did as part of an english assignment involving writing an exploratory essay on a topic of our choosing. Today, I’d like to summarize my findings for all of you because I, for one, found them quite interesting and surprisingly in-line with my own experiences.

So, what types of writing are people in recovery from eating disorders using and how are they using them?

Firstly, the survey: 

Most gals found journaling helpful— it’s definitely a habit I formed in recovery. This act helped me distance myself from my thoughts and gave me a more objective view on what was going on in my own head. It also just gave the thoughts a place to go instead of hanging out in my brain. This experience was reflected in many of the responses given in the survey. Responses also focused on how this separation from thoughts helps with rationalization of thoughts.

Secondly, what the professionals are saying about this:

I found a couple of fascinating articles.* One article talked about the unwillingness people with anorexia exhibit when it comes to experiencing and outwardly expressing emotions they perceive as negative such as anger, preferring to instead project the emotion inward onto their body— resonate with anyone else? Another article explored ways to help clients with anorexia get past their inhibition and to a point of recognizing, confronting, and working through those “negative” emotions through journaling.

Thirdly, writing tasks used by my dietitian:

I emailed my amazing dietitian, M, and asked her about the types of writing she uses with her eating disorder clients. I had done food journals with her, so mention of those dreaded charts wasn’t a surprise to me. The point of having a client document what and how much they’re eating is to give her a better picture of what’s going on diet wise, which I get, but am I the only one who hated those things with a passion? I never liked having to go back to the already partially filled in chart to write down the next meal or snack because I couldn’t stand looking at everything else I’d already eaten. In conjunction with filling out the food journals though, M often asks clients to journal before and after meals. In my own experience this was more helpful in working through what was going on around meals. Was I actually hungry? Did I have heightened awareness of my body? Could I feel the fat “seeping” into my cells? When I was able to put a voice and description to things such as these, M could help me connect these underlying feelings to how eating had been going. From there we could talk about how to improve meal-plan compliance and reduce meal-time anxiety. I certainly wasn’t the first client M did this with, and I definitely wasn’t the last either. These writing tasks work, thus she continues to ask her clients to complete them as part of their treatment.

Lastly, I had the pleasure of FaceTime interviewing Kayla from Discovering Kayla:

Kayla talked about her blog and Instagram and the platform those have given her to speak about recovery from a Christian’s perspective. She talks openly of the struggles she has in keeping her faith strong and trusting God through the ups and downs. Anyone who follows her as well knows exactly what I’m talking about. Kayla hopes that her vulnerability and rawness about her journey will help and inspire others in turn. At the very least, she noted that vulnerability benefits her by helping her confront and release her negative emotions, venting them to a community which can then come around her with love and support. Kayla said that the community aspect of the writing she does helps to hold her accountable, keeping her moving forward.

 

The common thread in all of this research was this: a hugely important part of recovering from an eating disorder is learning to face the hard emotions and cope with them in a healthy manner, and people often do this best through personal writing such as journaling. It’s a form of writing I know I’ve come to love and engage regularly. You can say whatever you want in a journal without hurting anybody or worrying about what others will think. That freedom is what I found helped me start to write about and thus face the difficult emotions pulsing through my body. It was at that point of confrontation that I was able to start taking steps forward, bringing me to the place of freedom I’ve found today.

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*The articles I used in my research were:

Geller, Josie, Sarah J. Cockell, Paul L. Hewitt, Elliot M. Goldner, and Gordon L. Flett. “Inhibited Expression of Negative Emotions and Interpersonal Orientation in Anorexia Nervosa.” International Journal of Eating Disorders. 28.1 (2000): 8-19. Print.

Schmidt, Ulrike, Gillian Bone, Saskia Hems, Joey Lessem, and Janet Treasure. “Structured Therapeutic Writing Tasks As an Adjunct to Treatment in Eating Disorders.” European Eating Disorders Review. 10.5 (2002): 299-315. Print.

Family Reunion Reflections

Two years ago, we had a family reunion in Cashiers, North Carolina. I don’t remember a ton from that reunion because I spent most of my time there worrying about my weight. As hard as it is to admit, I see no point in denying that I purged, I cut, I restricted. Putting all of my energy into these things didn’t leave much room for enjoyment. It makes me sad to think back on two years ago. It was just before things started to really change for the better.

We have reunions biennially, so this summer was a reunion summer. We were in Gatlinburg, Tennessee for this one, and it could not have been more different from the last.

It truly astounded me to get to the cabin and feel true excitement instead of angst. I soaked up every minute of being there. I loved it. Sure, I was happy to get back to Grandma’s and have my own room again afterwards, but not anymore so than anyone else in the cabin. Thirty people in an eight bedroom cabin gets a little bit overwhelming no matter who you are. Even still, it barely bothered me this year. We laughed, we played, we talked, we spent time together as a family— all of the grandparents, kids, and grandkids.

Two years ago, we took a four hour tour of the Biltmore. By the end, dizziness had set in. This year, we hiked and walked around town for half a day. I felt amazing. I had so much energy and felt so alive. Using my body as a tool to explore nature and climb around on rocks was a grand adventure, and to feel so great while doing it, to know that I was treating my body well and nourishing it, was so wonderful.

Reflection shows us just how far we’ve come. Remembering the last reunion in comparison to this one shows just how far I’ve come. The smile on my face could not be wiped off. When you regain a freedom you had once lost, you also gain a new appreciation for that freedom. The freedom to enjoy life rocks. Please don’t take it for granted. So many people do not have that freedom for so many reasons. I, for one, plan on soaking mine in to the fullest because you never know what tomorrow may bring. Life is dynamic. Circumstances change, our pasts probably tell us that. Looking back on them reminds us of what we’ve already come through and encourages us in our ability to survive and grow through even more.

I’m not the same person I was two years ago. I’m more prepared for what the future holds, and I’m ready to jump on board and enjoy the ride.