When We Wander

NEDA Week 2013— I watched silently as the week went by, still clinging onto an eating disorder as my secret.

NEDA week 2014— I shared my story and started speaking very openly for the first time about my history with an eating disorder.

NEDA week 2015— I said “I made it.”

NEDA week 2016— I’m not so sure that that was the right way to put it.

Last year, I came to the conclusion that I had recovered. I had made it to freedom. I would never have disordered thoughts again. Life would be perfect.

I wanted to believe that I could put it all behind me, and I still do believe that you can do just that to a certain extent. This summer was the freest I’d been in two and a half years. It makes sense that summer was “easier” in a sense, just because there wasn’t the stress of school on me. We went on an amazing road trip, I was soaking up my family and furry boys before leaving for college in the fall, and I was spending lots of time with my mom and aunt shopping and doing DIY things for my dorm room. It was blissful.

I came to college in the fall, and in that transition, I stopped all treatment— no more sessions with my therapist, no more appointments with my dietitian. I have no regrets in making that decision. I went into the fall semester expecting hardship. College is a season of change, and change usually means stress/anxiety in my world. I had to learn how to be my own person, completely manage my own time, learn the ins and outs of college academics, be responsible for myself, and learn how to live in community with lots of different people. It’s a lot all at once, and I had to remain aware of when old thought patterns started to creep back in. I knew all of this coming into the fall semester.

And there were some moments of struggle. There were some moments when sliding backwards was tempting because it seemed easiest. That is, of course, a lie, but it felt that way. Still, the fall semester was overall a fabulous experience. I like to think that I’ve grown since coming to college, and I know I’ve learned more about myself. I had to hold myself accountable to recovery, be completely responsible for my health, and I did it. College has been a great experience not only in learning how to be more independent in life, but also in how to be independent and still responsible with my mental health.

I think I got comfortable coming into the spring semester though. And that comfort combined with instability in several areas of my life created a slippery slope. And I wasn’t proactive. And I slipped. But even through this experience, I’m learning. I’m learning more about myself. I’m learning more about the nature of eating disorders. I’m learning more about the very imperfect process of recovery. I’m learning that it might be a more on-going thing than I thought a year ago. I’m discovering that I might have to remain more aware than I might like of my anxieties and little triggers that can add up to a slippery slope. I’m learning that there’s a fine line between putting the things of the past in the past while still being watchful that they don’t try to find their way back into the present.

I’m also learning about grace. I mean, I didn’t create a blog with the URL Learning to Love Imperfection for no reason. That statement has significance to me. I’m never going to be perfect, and that’s okay. That has to be okay. Striving for perfection will kill a person, emotionally if not physically. So I’m imperfect. And I have made mistakes, and do make mistakes, and will continue making mistakes for the rest of my days on earth. The beautiful thing is that God loves me in my brokenness. And I should too.

I’m also smarter than I was when I first set out on the journey to health and well-being. I have so many tools at my disposal and know how to use them. I know what trips me up and what I need to watch myself for. It’s just a matter of remembering to do it. I just have to remember at some small cognitive-level that as normal as I am, I’m susceptible to disordered eating habits and that’s just a fact of my life now. But it isn’t the defining fact and does not have to rule my life anymore than I let it.

The Lord never fails to have another lesson in mind for me just when I think I’ve got the hang of things. Honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like the challenge and don’t do well just treading water with no where to go. So I’ll keep swimming as long as the Lord is leading the way. And I’ll keep saying “I made it.” I’ll just redefine that statement:

I don’t see recovery as a place you reach and stay at for the rest of your life, like a final destination kind of thing.

My view has shifted to seeing recovery as more of an on-going process that is always teaching us new things about ourselves, others, and our world. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with being dynamic and always growing and learning and being molded.

Moses led the Israelites around the desert for forty years to die just before they got to take the Promise Land. He never reached the end goal, but I certainly wouldn’t say all of his life was lived in vain. I’m starting to think recovery (heck, life in general) is a lot like that. We’ll wander and wander and we may or may not ever enter the promised land, and that’s okay. Sometimes its not about the end goal, but the journey to get there instead. The wandering is that grey area where living and loving and learning happen. We need the wandering.

So as eating disorder awareness week comes to a close, I’m reflecting on my path thus far and I’m proud. I’m not ashamed or upset about the fact that I developed an eating disorder. It’s led me to so much good, including the relationship that introduced me to the college campus I now call home. I’m thankful for everything I’ve learned about myself and life because of what really is a dreadful disease at the core. I’m thankful for the awareness this week brings to the subject, and for the hope and happy-endings circulated so widely in this time. I’m thankful that I’m not done learning and growing, and I’m thankful that there truly is life after an eating disorder.

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To read my story from two years ago: click here

To read my update from last year: click here

For more information and resources on eating disorders, visit NEDA’s website.

Cover Photo Creds: Amberlyn Fagala

And as always, feel free to contact me or drop me a comment with any questions!

3 Minutes Can Save a Life, a Response

*NEDA = the National Eating Disorders Association*

NEDAwareness Week 2016 is upon us, and this year’s theme is “3 minutes can save a life. Get screened. Get help. Get healthy.”

At first glance, I’m not sure how I feel about this notion. My hesitation comes in with the idea that a simple screening is enough to fix the problem. It seems too simple for such complex and confusing disorders. Screenings are great. I’m not saying we should stop encouraging people to get screened. But, I worry that some of the sickest people are in such denial over their state that a simple three minutes screening isn’t going to prompt them to action. They might not even get a result saying they could have an eating disorder (ED) because of such strong denial.

I’m not sure how I feel about reducing eating disorders to a three minute questionnaire that tells us “you’re good,” or “you might have a problem, you should get help for that.” It doesn’t seem right to me to think simple questionnaires are going to solve this problem. It takes so much more.

Let me back up though.

NEDA is a wonderful organization that does so much work advocating for research and awareness for what is becoming an increasingly prevalent issue in our society— eating disorders. NEDAwareness Week is this amazing thing that happens during the last week of February (mental health awareness month) every year and always sheds so much light on an issue that we as a society like to ignore because it’s easier that way. So many people would like to continue making their jokes about being “anorexic for a week” or “catching bulimia for a day” or being so glad they had the “strength to not get binge eating disorder.” Many people would rather support diet-culture and off-handedly use eating disorders as adjectives and “contagious” illnesses than take the time to learn the reality and find new jokes and jabs.

All of that goes to say, my hesitance about the theme does not stem from any negative views towards the organization that came up with said theme. My resistance comes in with the possibility that people will take this theme the wrong way.

I’m not so sure than three minutes really can save a life. I think that three minutes can play a vital role in saving a life though. I think that early intervention is important. I think screenings are helpful. I think this theme is still relevant and important. I think it encourages people to jump in and do something instead of being overwhelmed by where to start. I think it gives people that place to start.

I just fear that it doesn’t give them a place to go beyond that. So you take a screening and might have an eating disorder, or you convince a friend you’re worried about to take a screening and he/she might have a problem. Okay. What next? Those three minutes can help start a conversation, but so much more goes into a lasting recovery. Support from friends and family, proper treatment, and a lot of hard work and time.

I suppose that what I’m trying to say here is that three minutes can help, but it’s really what comes after those three minutes that saves a life. Maybe that’s nit-picky and hyper-critical, but I guess that’s what you get with detail-oriented people like myself.

So get screened, by all means. It’s free, quick, convenient, and so simple. It’s a great first step. Even if you don’t have an eating disorder, just going through the questions might help give insight into the thought patterns and processes of someone who does have an ED. Don’t stop there though. If you’re struggling, actually take the next step and reach out. Or if you’re concerned about someone, take the next step and reach out to them. Start that conversation, start connecting, start catching on, because it’s really the actions that come after those three minutes that are going to save a life.

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For more information and resources, visit: NEDA’s Website

To get screened: click here

For advice about supporting someone with an eating disorder: check out this video

For ideas about how to spread awareness this week: check out this article

And as always: feel free to ask me questions and/or come talk to me!

Balance and Simplicity

When I really think about what I want to achieve my senior year—setting aside all of the somewhat unrealistic expectations I have for myself—these seemingly straightforward concepts are it: balance, simplicity.

They may not seem to be the most noble of goals at first glance, but that is by society’s standards—and society tends to praise the overworked and overdrawn.  We’ve lost track of the things that actually bring meaning to our lives, trading them in to chase the ever out-of-reach concept of success.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m as guilty of this as the next guy or gal.  The mere thought of letting go of even the smallest bit of control is somewhat terrifying.  Yet when I dream of the future, I do not picture myself as an anxiety-laden wife and mother who worries and frets constantly about every frivolous detail.

Letting go of the illusion—because that is all it really is—of control frightens me.  What if I find myself on the opposite end of the spectrum: unmotivated, lazy, no direction for my future at all? My mind finds the concept of a less-anxious-but-still-driven-self nonsensical.  The two ideas together form an oxymoron in my brain, and I find it difficult to believe and trust that I can have passion without anxious obsession.

Thus, my words of senior year: balance, simplicity.  For someone who is a black or white, all or nothing, obsessive-compulsive kind, these words are no joke.  They carry weight.  If I am serious about making my dreams come true though, the anxiety has got to go—I have no place for it in my future.

“Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify. Simplify.” –Henry David Thoreau

I want to live in the moment; it is a more appealing way of life than worrying about waves that may never come.  I want to let go of the little things; it sure would save me a lot of energy for the bigger ones.  I want to be able to settle and be content—content with simplicity.

Life is meant to be enjoyed, not feared. This year, I want to learn how to embrace each moment and each accompanying emotion for what they are: a part of life. Part of that will be quieting the things that do not contribute to the living of life to the fullest, so that I can become more aware of the things that do. Part of it will be finding a balance between the two. Most of it will be simplifying—clearing away the clutter until all that remains are the most enriching elements.

Balance. Simplicity. These are the things I want to strive for.

Strangely Dim by Francesca Battistelli

Honestly, posts written about/based off of songs are not easy for me to share. Music is a highly personal thing to me. It can caress my heart, excite my spirit, ease my mind, move my soul. Sharing that is vulnerable. After I write about a song, you’ll be hard-pressed to find me listening to it around anyone—not now that I’ve poured out what runs through my mind when my ears hear it. For this reason, I’ve been hesitant to continue sharing and discussing songs. You all seem to like such posts though, and I felt inspired to write about this song. And anyone who writes knows that when that itch to write comes to your fingers and that urge to express stirs your spirit, you have to go with it. So here I find myself yet again spilling my thoughts on a song.

Finding a routine since the start of school has proven anything but easy. I will spare you all the details, but let’s just say that the routine I’m in right now is not ideal and not where I’d like to be. My sleep schedule is a wreck (nothing new there); I’m fatigued constantly; I could not tell you when I last truly took time for myself—writing this post is probably the first real bit in a month.

While on my way to class one day, this song pulled me out of my mind after I had gotten lost thinking about all of this and everything that I would need to get done once home. Spotify played it as a suggested song, and I nearly skipped it because I wasn’t much in the mood for discovering new music. How happy I am that I let it play now though! Being so easily distracted, I need repeated reminders to keep me focused on what is truly important.

I can worry all I want about school, about college, about my future, but there is only so much I can control. My life belongs to the ever mysterious, always faithful Living God. Fighting for more control never ends well; there is a reason God asks us to lean on Him instead of on our own understanding. We understand so little! He sees the big picture and knows what is best for us.

Strangely dim: what all the stresses I carry become when I am intentional about keeping my eyes on my Creator. It does not take much for me to get worked up— like, really worked up. I lose sight so easily of the characteristics of God, and at times, I am weary of His plans. I am not always willing to blindly trust Him. I am not always willing to be stretched and pulled and reshaped and grown because let’s face it, that process is rarely painless or quick. I am not always willing to jump off of my figurative telephone pole, taking the leap of faith.

It all becomes a lot less paralyzing when I’m not focused on wading through the waves that could crash though. It all becomes a lot more manageable when we’re focused on the size of our God instead of the size of our problems, or possible problems. Life becomes more enjoyable, and the doubts and fears become mere shadows in the background—dull and strangely dim.

My Thoughts on J Crew’s New 000

Simply because of the nature of this post, seeing as it is about clothing and sizes and body shapes and types, I am marking it with a possible TW.

Perhaps you have not yet heard, but J Crew introduced the size triple zero to their range in early July. A spokeswoman for the company has stated that the size was introduced to meet needs in their Asian market, but many people are not pleased with this response to the criticism being thrown J Crew’s way.

“[This] will only triple the practice of unhealthy dieting in a society obsessed with skinny,” Lynn Grefe, the president to the National Eating Disorders Association was quoted saying.

And while I can see her point, and I do agree, I have other thoughts on this new size as well.

I may have dealt with my fair share of body image issues, but I logically know that I am naturally petite. As such, I know first-hand just how frustrating trying to find clothing that fits can be, especially when you’re hunting for affordable, modest, but fashion-forward, items. And this is just clothing we’re talking about here—do not even get me started on bathing suits. There are plenty of stores that I cannot shop at because even their smallest sizes are too big on me, and it can get tiring, and aggravating, and disheartening. This is my natural size, and I just wish that companies would make clothing for even those of us on the ends of the bell curve: both larger and smaller.

In this regard, it excites me to see that a company has come to realize the need for smaller sizes for the naturally small women out there. This new size rubs me wrong in almost every other regard though.

J Crew’s 000 is said to fit women with a twenty-three inch waist. To naturally have that small of a waist is rare. I do believe that it is possible, particularly with shorter women—I happen to have gone to school with two sisters who are both naturally so small that it wouldn’t surprise me if this new size fit them—but such women are few and far between.

Even with a real need for at least some brands to carry sizes that seem ridiculously small, introducing a new, smaller size is bothersome. For the few who are rejoicing over a size that fits them, there are many more agonizing over how to whittle their bodies down some more so that they can add up to the new “standard.”

We live in a thin—no, scarily skinny—obsessed society. We see it daily in the media and all around us. Almost no one is making resolutions to gain weight. Not enough are making resolutions to love themselves. Diet and fat and body shamming talk are deemed normal in today’s society. Calorie counts are popping up on menus everywhere. Juice cleanses are all the rage. Women and men everywhere are looking to lose weight, tone up, and achieve the highly praised, ideal, thin, fit body. And it’s no wonder that this is how we think. It’s how we allow ourselves to be trained to think every time we see a magazine remarking on this or that celebrity’s “tragic weight gain.” We live in a toxic society, folks. It is up to us to change that and to change our own thought patterns.

The introduction of the triple zero is only more fuel for the fire. It’s another level of skinny that hundreds of thousands will feel compelled to try and obtain. For the millions in the US who have diagnosable eating disorders, things such as this can spark a race to bottom (size), which is seen as the top.

Some have accused J Crew of vanity sizing, a practice in which companies deem a larger standard for a size, allowing more people to fit into smaller sizes. J Crew has denied this being the case, but perhaps, that is exactly what’s happening. The 00 became too large, so they added the 000. Triple. Zero. What is that even supposed to mean? Triple nothing? With so many trying to starve themselves into smaller and smaller physical states, wishing they could simply disappear, the idea of triple nothing could be dangerously appealing. Not to mention, what’s next? Are we going to be seeing 0000’s on the market next year? There has to be an end; this cannot continue.

I highly doubt that the entire human race is going to shift back to each home providing clothing for its members, tailored to fit each individual, and I highly doubt that we are all just going to stop wearing clothes and begin going about daily life naked. Clothing is thus a necessary part of life. The way sizing for men’s’ shorts and pants is done is a brilliant idea though: waist and length. Numbers are somewhat inevitable with mass produced clothing, so we are all going to have to face them in some form or fashion. But why make up sizes and give them certain measurements, when you could just use actual measurements? No need to create a new size and set a new standard. No need for vanity sizing.

Perhaps the need for a smaller size is real, or perhaps this is simply another company setting another standard for our number-crazed, skinny-obsessed society.

I can see the pro to creating a smaller size for the naturally petite women of the world, but I see so many more cons—namely, the effect it will have on all of the millions of disordered eaters and millions with eating disorders in our society. Are the costs really worth it? Is the return benefit enough to outweigh them? I personally do not believe that they are.

What about you?