NEDAwareness Week 2015: I Made It

What they say is true: a lot can change in a year.

Beyond that statement, I find myself at a loss for words, unsure of which change to start with. The most relevant to this week—the National Eating Disorders Association’s awareness week—seems logical though: I consider 2014 the year I reached full recovery from my eating disorder. In part, speaking out about it during NEDAwareness Week one short year ago was a big step in that process. It allowed me to better come to terms with the reality that I was dealing with something real, and through that own my recovery more.

Owning my recovery, that was a big theme. No one could want it for me. No one could do it for me. When my therapist (K) went on maternity leave last fall, I opted to go at it more-or-less alone. I still had my monthly appointment with my dietitian, and I met with our pastor every few weeks just to chat about life, but I had to stand my own ground for the first time without K there checking in for a full three months. In those three months, I found my feet.

While interviewing for a scholarship at one of my prospective colleges, I was asked about why my life-long interest in medicine shifted to psychology. With honesty, I answered that recovering from an eating disorder had caused the change, to which the professor interviewing me (gently) responded with the question: “for how long have you been recovered?”

“I’d say that I’ve been doing pretty well for about a year now, but I feel as though I truly took that last step this past fall while my therapist was on maternity leave. Now it is just a matter of maintaining it.”

For anyone wondering, I guess they liked my openness because I received the scholarship.

That is not the point here though. The point is that in 2014, I found my freedom, and it is wonderful. I now find myself yet another voice in the cliché choir claiming: recovery is worth it, so worth it. Sticking it out and hitting those big milestones like one year purge-free, one year self-harm free, six months scale-free, is so much more gratifying in the end than any of those behaviors would have been in the moment. Last year, I was still afraid of recovery. I wondered if there would ever be a day when I was not afraid of it. The fear did not subside all at once, not for me. It was a lot of painfully slow steps forward that began to add up until one day I looked back and realized: I made it. Somewhere in the process, I pushed past the wall of fear and found fantastic freedom on the other side.

Freedom in intuitive eating. Freedom in daily life. Freedom in loving my imperfections. Freedom in Christ.

I made it. I made it. I made it. Not everyone can say that, but I can, and I will because I am proud. It’s not easy, and so many are unable to get the support and treatment they need to be able to find their freedom. I did though, and I made it.

To read my story from last year: click here

For more information about eating disorders, visit http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

If you have any questions for me, feel free to leave a comment. I love interacting with y’all!